You know the expression, they stopped like a deer in headlights? Do you know what is actually happening in your body when this happens. You might be familiar with the sensation of it. Most of us go absolutely rigid, can't breathe, can't think, all thought gone from our brains.
It is like a fast freeze.
Except sometimes its not, sometimes it gets stuck inside of us.
So if you haven't ever seen a deer go dead still under stress, maybe you're Australian like me, think of a Kangaroo on the road at night when they stop in the middle of the road staring at the headlights of your car and you are screaming at it, get off the road. For a millisecond it does nothing, it is frozen in fear because it jumped onto the road and didn't see us coming. Deers do this to in the forest when people or cars are coming. Their ears are up high pointing. Then all of a sudden, they powerfully run away, or in the case of Kangaroos bound away.
The moment they stop still in shock, there is a massive amount of fight and flight energy trapped in their system, then their protective instincts kick in and they can use all that energy to power away. So the same thing happens to humans accept our body doesn't naturally release all that stuck energy when we run or jump away. No it often stays stuck in there.
Image - Stockcake
This is why often when I am work with clients on a scenario where they might have gone into this level of freeze many of them are genuinely shocked that there is so much stuck anger and fear stuck in there that needs to come out. It needs to come out in a slow and titrated way so we don't fry out nervous systems or ping them back into a deeper freeze in their body.
So what happens is we let that energy out in slow motion. I can see you scratching your head whilst you read this and if you are one of my old clients you are probably smiling remembering releasing fear or anger in slow motion. Yes we run on the spot in slow motion to let all that energy out. Or we push something really hard in slow motion to let that anger out. The other shock is how much rigidity was in their body, they feel so much more relaxed and often tired after the session.
So some of the scenarios that might cause you to go to this level of freeze is something that gave you a big shock, like maybe you saw an accident on the road happen and people were hurt, maybe you were walking through a nightclub and someone grabbed you on the breast or bum, or maybe in the doctor's office you were having your annual pap smear and the doctor started or touched you before you were ready to go. Sometimes we can go rigid in a meeting in the office if someone has a tantrum and really loses it in a meeting. We become stuck in a startle response.
There are no words able to come out when these things happened, it happens fast and our system goes through fight and flight and into this level of freeze super quick. It is easy to blame ourselves, why didn't I react, why didn't I say something. It is not your fault, your body was protecting you. So smart our bodies. There is nothing conscious about it, it is all autonomic. What is important is that it doesn't get stuck in there for a really long time.
Fear and Anger are the first natural response, so if it happened when you were in the nightclub and pinched on the bum and you were able to turn around and give the offender a whack or yell at them, hey a$$hole stop it. You might have been able to move that energy out. Sometimes with seeing accidents if we are around others and they can co-regulate us and we can move a bit and walk around we can move that stuck energy out.
But sometimes a tiny bit of it gets stuck in there. When this happens it stops us from having access to our protective responses. Couple that with a good old piece of cultural conditioning (particularly for women) that anger is bad, we stifle a set of responses that are absolutely critical for us to stay alive and to be able to navigate the complexities of life every day.
That stuck startle response, that rigidity that is stuck in there like an ironing board that is stuck upright inside of us. It keeps us stuck in a constant state of defending ourselves. It keeps us in a defensive state, we can never let anyone get close to us. Nor can we handle it well when people disagree with us, we either go completely silent OR we send it back their way in an even stronger hit of defensiveness. This is confusing to others because it feels out of context, usually because it is. Your body is stuck reacting to past scenario in a present moment.
Can you see why this can become problematic in our close relationships or as leaders in the workplace?
Fear helps us stay safe. Anger helps us defend our boundaries. Both of them drive our passion. Channeled in the right way these two amazing emotions are the passionate fuel behind driving great change in the world when they are channeled in a healthy way.
The next time you go into freeze in a meeting and some idiot tells you that you have a confidence issue or lack presence, walk away. It's the freeze and we can totally work with it and let it move out.
In fact, in midlife, reclaiming our relationship with all of our emotions is what drives most people to pursue a life that is meaningful and purposeful to them. To be able to stand up for what they believe in and to listen to their desires and ask for what they want in a relationship.
If you would like to reconnect with your body and learn to be with all your emotions come talk to me about coaching or somatic experiencing.